Resolving conflict with a new, aggressive team member

Episode Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Daring to Succeed podcast.

My name is Julianna Yau Yorgan and I’m a career and leadership coach who helps introverts succeed in the workplace by unleashing their introvert superpowers.

Today, one of our listeners asked me to talk a little bit about managing conflict as an introverted leader.

Our listener is a Product Owner leading a team, and has been trying to navigate a situation where a new (and aggressive) team member joined.

This new team member challenges their authority in every meeting, ignores instructions and gets upset when our Product Owner asks for updates.

Our Product Owner just wants to get the job done and do the right thing, but even when raising it with their manager, somehow this new team member was given more support because they’re more vocal.

Our Product Owner listener has already tried to have one-on-one conversations with their new, aggressive team member, but knows they’re just not ready to listen at all.

This, unfortunately, is a common scenario.

As the leader of a team, part of your job is to ensure everyone is working towards the same goal and that you have a clear understanding of how the work is progressing.

But these power dynamics get in the way, and often times our instinct is to try to clarify things or amp up the assertion of our leadership position.

This reflex to enforce may not be natural for an introvert, but can be learned behaviour because we’re told so often to stand up for ourselves or to not let people walk all over us.

And this may be a radical approach, but I suggest considering how this situation might play out if you redirect and channel the aggressive person’s actions, rather than trying to reason with them or directly tell them what to do or ask for updates.

What do I mean by this?

Explaining your various roles obviously isn’t working, and likely the problem here isn’t that the aggressive team member doesn’t know their position on the team, but disagrees with it.

Without being able to have a full coaching session to explore this situation, some of the reasons for their behaviour could include:

They have been trying to become a Product Owner and have been unsuccessful, and are taking out their frustrations on our Product Owner listener.

Or maybe they come from another team where people were only asked for status updates when their team leader thought they were doing a bad job or behind schedule.

Or maybe something else has happened before they joined the team that makes them feel their expertise and opinions aren’t being valued.

Whatever it is, whenever I’ve coached people on this type of situation, we usually find that the conflict is a manifestation of something else that happened with the aggressive person.

So what I suggest in this type of situation is to take a step back and have a conversation with the person to get to know their work history and work preferences a little bit.

What is their background and experience?

What was working on their previous team like?

What do they think they need to be successful?

How do they prefer to provide updates?

Why do they disagree with directions you’ve given them?

This may feel like you’re conceding to them, but remember that being a leader means supporting your team and making sure the work gets done.

And if the other tactics like discussing your roles or escalating to someone more senior isn’t working, this at least is another strategy to try.

I’ve coached so many people on neutralizing these aggressive personalities, and they’re always reluctant to do something that is seen as giving authority to the other person.

But remember that we’re leading people, and sometimes people just need to be heard.

This approach has worked so well that I’ve helped people turn their biggest adversaries into their biggest advocates.

Just by being open, curious, and true to their introverted energies.

So if you’re listening and have a similar situation you’re dealing with, consider giving the other person space to air their frustrations and ask for what they need.

And remember you don’t need to give them everything they ask for, but with your new understanding of where they’re coming from, you’ll be better able to see other ways to move forward with them.

Okay, I hope you found this helpful.

I really love getting these questions from our listeners because they’re about what you need support on in your career right now.

The challenge with getting these submissions is I can’t ask all the questions I have to really understand the dynamics behind what’s going on—and it’s that back and forth that makes my suggestions more helpful.

So if you’d like to have access to me to help with these situations at work, I invite you to join the Introverted Leader Community.

This is a private community I created for managers, product owners, project managers and aspiring leaders to discuss their challenges and also get a direct line to me as their coach.

If this sounds like something that can help with your career development, you can get more details in the show notes.

Okay, that’s it for now and I’ll see you next time!