Like a gift, sometimes feedback is more about the giver than the receiver.
Introduction
A lot has been written about feedback, but mostly about how to give feedback. What I’ve seen written about receiving feedback focuses on how to manage your emotions and be grateful for the feedback. The tips usually sound like this:
- Thank the person for the feedback
- Be open and listen
- Restate the feedback to ensure you understand it
- Be willing to grow and develop
- Work on the changes you need to make
This is all well and good, but it assumes that all feedback is accurate, useful and about the person receiving it.
Having received feedback in a work environment for two decades, both for myself and for people on my team, I can say with certainty that not all feedback is accurate, useful or even about the person meant to receive it!
Reflecting on the “gift bag” of feedback I’ve encountered, the feedback we’re all supposed to be gracious and open to has included:
- Desire for a procedural change
- Disagreement or misunderstanding on the scope of a role
- Desire to feel more respected (when no disrespect had occurred)
- Wanting more information
- Wanting someone else to do work for them
- Desire for someone to meet their work-style preferences
- A complete incorrect assessment of the person and situation
In the case of these situations under the guise of “feedback”, being open to change barely matters and being grateful for the feedback is downright silly. Here are the top three misnomers hiding as feedback:
Opinion, Not Fact
Feedback can sometimes simply be someone’s opinion, and not too much weight should be given to it. Here are some examples of differences:
Fact: To work as a physician in Canada, you must meet specific educational requirements
Opinion: You must have a PMP certification to work as a project manager (this is often listed as a requirement but not all employers actually require it)
Fact: You are too loud (feedback from multiple people)
Opinion: You are too loud for me (feedback from one person)
It would be an interesting exploration on why people deliver opinions as if they were fact. But if you’re receiving feedback that seems a little odd, ask yourself “is this fact or opinion”? If you determine that it’s merely an opinion, you can then decide whether you agree with it and want to act on it.
“Feedback” As “How to Work With Me”
Sometimes, it’s really not about you. I’ve heard all sorts of feedback about myself or my team that is actually a request to work differently to meet the style or needs of the person giving the feedback. Here are some real examples, with the actual request I uncovered after further exploration:
Feedback: You need to stop rescheduling meetings with me—it’s rude.
Actual request: If you need to reschedule a meeting, ask me when I’m available. (It turned out the individual would not block their calendar when they are unavailable, such as for a personal appointment or travel time)
Feedback: You send too many emails
Actual request: Call or text me if you have something important to discuss. (This individual had completely lost control of their inbox)
Trying to decipher whether feedback is actually a request to be different for that one person can be challenging, especially if the feedback is coming through a third party (like your manager) who thinks it’s true. To uncover whether this is about their style, as yourself whether this is feedback you’ve received before. If it’s not, it’s likely about that individual and there is a hidden request in their “feedback”.
“Feedback” as A Request for Help
Similar to the last misnomer, sometimes feedback can be a hidden request to help them. Again, here are some real examples and the hidden requests behind them:
Feedback: Your project manager isn’t doing their job, and my staff has to do their job for them.
Actual request: I want your project manager to schedule any meeting my staff needs to host as part of this project (that’s not part of the PM’s job expectations)
Feedback: Your team isn’t responding to me.
Actual request: I need something from them now (they only gave my team a day to do something because they were late in their own work)
In these situations where the so-called feedback is just a poorly packaged request for support, it’s important to uncover and address the real request. In the example of me being told one of my PM’s “wasn’t doing their job”, I took that as an opportunity to clarify the expectations of that role. While the individual still disagreed with me, I was able to focus their attention on possible solutions for their actual problem (too many administrative tasks for their team) rather than passing along feedback that wasn’t even accurate.
