Conventional Approaches to Feedback
Most of what’s been written about receiving feedback focuses on how to manage your emotions and be grateful for the feedback. The tips usually sound like this:
- Thank the person for the feedback
- Be open and listen
- Restate the feedback to ensure you understand it
- Be willing to grow and develop
- Work on the changes you need to make
The advice sounds like it has been written for someone who might be overconfident in their abilities or otherwise isn’t very self-aware. For an introvert, the advice almost seems redundant, because most introverts:
- Are courteous
- Are introspective
- Listen thoroughly before processing or responding
- Are naturally drawn to personal and professional development
- Take any feedback or suggestions seriously (sometimes too much so!)
So if this approach is in alignment with introverts’ natural response to feedback, why do so many introverts feel attacked, judged and misunderstood when we’re trying to respond to feedback?
A Different Perspective on Feedback
After receiving feedback as an introvert in the workplace two decades, both for myself and for people on my team, I can say with certainty that not all feedback is really feedback, is accurate, or aligns with the receiver’s values.
The problem is that conventional approaches to feedback have these as basic assumptions about the person giving you feedback:
- They only have your best interests in mind
- They’re more observant or objective than you
- They have given a lot of thought to the feedback
- Their observations are accurate
- Their values align with yours
Let’s look at these assumptions.
Is The Feedback Only About You?
Reflecting on the feedback I’ve encountered, it’s included:
- Desire for a procedural change
- Disagreement or misunderstanding on the scope of a role
- Desire to feel more respected (when no disrespect had occurred)
- Wanting more information
- Wanting someone else to do work for them
- Desire for someone to meet their work-style preferences
- A complete incorrect assessment of the person and situation
In every case, the message was labeled as feedback, but was anything but! Let’s look at three common types of feedback that isn’t only about you.
Advice, Not Fact
Feedback can sometimes simply be someone’s opinion, and not too much weight should be given to it. Here are some examples of differences:
Fact: To work as a physician in Canada, you must meet specific educational requirements
Opinion: You must have a PMP certification to work as a project manager (this is often listed as a requirement but not all employers actually require it)
Fact: You are too loud (feedback from multiple people)
Opinion: You are too loud for me (feedback from one person)
It would be an interesting exploration on why people deliver opinions as if they were fact. But if you’re receiving feedback that seems a little odd, ask yourself “is this fact or opinion”? If you determine that it’s merely an opinion, you can then decide whether you agree with it and want to act on it.
Feedback as Work Preference
I’ve heard all sorts of feedback about myself or my team that is actually a request to work differently to meet the style or needs of the person giving the feedback. Here are some real examples, with the actual request I uncovered after further exploration:
Feedback: You need to stop rescheduling meetings with me—it’s rude.
Work Preference: If you need to reschedule a meeting, ask me when I’m available. (It turned out the individual would not block their calendar when they are unavailable, such as for a personal appointment or travel time)
Feedback: You send too many emails
Work Preference: Call or text me if you have something important to discuss. (This individual had completely lost control of their inbox)
Trying to decipher whether feedback is actually a request to be different for that one person can be challenging, especially if the feedback is coming through a third party (like your manager) who thinks it’s true. To uncover whether this is about their style, as yourself whether this is feedback you’ve received before. If it’s not, it’s likely about that individual and there is a hidden request in their “feedback”.
Feedback as A Request for Help
Sometimes feedback can be a hidden request to help them. I’m not sure why people deliver it as “feedback” (maybe they’re uncomfortable with asking for help), but I’ve seen this frequently–and it hides more easily. Again, here are some real examples and the hidden requests behind them:
Feedback: Your project manager isn’t doing their job, and my staff has to do their job for them.
Actual request: I want your project manager to schedule any meeting my staff needs to host as part of this project, and they are refusing to.
Feedback: Your team isn’t responding to me.
Actual request: I need something from the team now because they waited too long to ask for it.
In these situations where the so-called feedback is just a poorly packaged request for support, it’s important to uncover and address the real request. In the example of me being told one of my PM’s “wasn’t doing their job”, I took that as an opportunity to clarify the expectations of that role. While the individual still disagreed with me, I was able to focus their attention on possible solutions for their actual problem (too many administrative tasks for their team) rather than passing along feedback that wasn’t even accurate.
Inaccurate Feedback
Typical approaches to responding to feedback also assume that the feedback is accurate. We’re to believe that the person giving feedback is more observant or objective than the person receiving it.
But is that always the case?
Incomplete Information
I often find that people can be rather careless with feedback–not because they’re malicious, but because responding to numerous requests leave them short on time. This results in requested feedback being given with only their narrow experience with the person in question.
Even when they’re volunteering the feedback, it’s likely they’re only doing so based on their own isolated experience with that person. This means their feedback can (and often does) be missing some crucial information, leading it to be inaccurate or incomplete.
Here are some examples:
Feedback: You need to be more professional with clients.
Missing information: They observed you being unusually casual with a client, not knowing that client specifically asked them to be less formal with them.
Feedback: You need to be more inclusive of all your colleagues.
Missing information: They noticed you excluded one person from team lunch invitations multiple times. What they didn’t know was that person was fasting during the day, and asked you not to invite them to lunches anymore.
You can easily see here how you can receive feedback that isn’t true because the person giving you the feedback is missing critical information.
Misunderstood Intent
This situation can happen more often with introverts, since we can be less verbal or take longer to respond. These tendencies lead us to be less likely to state, clarify or correct intent, leaving a lot of room for the other person’s imagination to run wild.
Here are some common examples for introverts:
Feedback: You’re too shy and need to talk to people more.
Incorrect Assumption: While an Anxious Introvert could avoid unnecessary social interactions due to shyness, this might not be the case for other introverts. Social Introverts simply prefer smaller groups or fewer friends, Restrained Introverts may prefer the predictability of interacting with people they know well, and Thinking Introverts may simply get lost in their own thoughts!
Feedback: You need to ask more questions.
Incorrect Assumption: That an introvert has no or few questions. Particularly in a group setting, introverts are more likely to wait for others to ask questions first, or try to find the answers to their questions without asking in a group environment. Here, an introvert’s work preference is misunderstood as not being thoughtful, curious, or engaged!
If you suspect you’ve been misunderstood, try to get the person to elaborate on their feedback or give examples of the behaviour. Then, depending on how open-minded they are, you can decide if you want to correct them, adjust your behaviour, or accept that they have and will misunderstand you.
Misaligned Values
One of the biggest problems with traditional feedback approaches is that it assumes your values are aligned with the person giving you feedback.
Here, I focus on values and not perspectives or opinions because I do agree that considering different perspectives and opinions is a healthy part of unpacking feedback.
Values, however, are more foundational to you are, and speak to your priorities in life. Let’s look at some examples
Feedback: You need to be more open and direct.
Value clash: You may have a strong value of being polite and courteous, while the person giving you feedback has values of directness and transparency.
Feedback: You need to do your share of overtime–your coworkers are depending on you.
Value clash: You may value time with family or for rest, while the person giving you feedback prioritize those lower for themselves than commitment to work and helping coworkers.
When it comes to figuring out what to do with feedback, a misalignment of values is usually the hardest to make sense of.
Here, you want to ask yourself: Is the feedback only about my actions/beliefs, or are they actually about my values? If they’re about your values, you’ll need to think carefully about whether you’re willing to change your actions or if you’d rather accept them disagreeing with or disliking that part of you.
Conclusion
Introverts are poorly served by the usual advice for handling feedback. The advice assumes we’re close-minded and struggle with introspection, when sometimes it feels like we can’t stop thinking about the feedback.
The advice also assumes the person giving us feedback has the same values as you, is accurate, and is only looking out for you. Since that’s not always the case, it makes it so much harder for introverts to reconcile what they’re being told with what they know in their hearts to be true.
If you’re walking around carrying feedback that leaves you feeling attacked, misunderstood and deflated, I invite you to discover another way to respond to feedback. One that was made just for introverts in the workplace who want to navigate feedback effortlessly so you can confidently increase your influence, income and impact at work!
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